my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he thought i was a dude.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
