but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
