dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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