So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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