Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
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It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
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Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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