u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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