I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
