You just made me feel so damn special
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
