were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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