You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
