stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
