I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I need a beard to bite.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
