FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
