When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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