Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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