I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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