I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Randomize
