I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Randomize
