I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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