it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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