peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
