Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Randomize
