dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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