Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
They have beer where we have blood.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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