if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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