I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
