I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
