its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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