there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
