I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
