if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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