I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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