Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
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He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
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I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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