Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
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Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
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There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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