if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
