I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Randomize
