apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
