: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
