Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
