at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
