Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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