dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
