apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
