what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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