I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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