Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
