I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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