i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
