Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
