i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
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