apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
