I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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