hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
