your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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