fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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