Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
