is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
