he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
