I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
They are going to name an STD after you.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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