I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
